log entries:
March 20, 2024: i feel like i'm losing my sense of self. as usual, another relapse. i think i'm starting to become dependent on these pills. i know i should stop, but i like these initial effects i've obtained because of them. i did stop for a week at some point, so the effects reversed. i missed them, i had to restart again. i know there's a point of no return with this, hopefully i can come to a conclusion by then.
February 13, 2024: i've relapsed once again. i shouldn't be surprised at this point, but i can't make these thoughts go away. why does my mind want to reject this vessel when most others seem comfortable in theirs? i've tried a myriad of things, but it always feels like there's something off when i look at myself. have i just lost touch with myself? i don't know i don't know i don't know. in other matters, i finally ran a roll of film through my new canon camera! i used fuji superia for this one, and i have to say, i think i prefer kodak film. guess i just prefer warmer colors over the cooler fuji ones, but i'll keep testing the film. i did take a couple of shots i liked though. here's one of a liquor shop.
January 27, 2024: i accompanied a classmate to her train stop and had a friendly chat. it felt nice. i also managed to kick the voices down once again. hopefully i made a realization of the gravity of the path i was taking after one dose of those pills.
January 18, 2024: as i stare at the pills next to me i think to myself "am i really going to commit to the bit?" am i really going to put my relationships with my family and friends at severe risk just to follow my emotions? am i going to potentially destroy my body? in these last three years i've tried to bury these thoughts, but they've always come back. i've failed to ignore them, and i've failed to find the root cause for them. i don't even know if they're real or if they're an illusion my brain has manifested. i'm on the verge of possibly making a life altering decision in which i cannot foresee the consequences of. it's not too late for me to halt all of this and continue life as usual.
January 17, 2024: yeah i've definitely gone too far today. i finally got a haircut because of pressure and my own hubris. and you know what? i fucking hate it. it's not like it was a bad cut, but every time i look at the mirror i don't see myself anymore. on the bright side, i can try to fix oil production now that it's short. hopefully less shampooing will fix my scalp as my hair regrows. i also did end up buying a new film camera, a canon eos 650! i want to get some shots on it but it has been way too cold to go outside. i also forgot my gloves at home. today's picture comes from my minolta. i like that i was able to get the train in the shot. i've been taking transit a lot more since i moved and it's been fine so far other than waiting in the harsh cold.
december 28, 2023: why can't i make these feelings go away? it's been almost three years since the day these thoughts began. i looked at myself in the mirror and saw my opposite staring back for a brief second. ever since that day, i've been having dreams where i exist as my opposite. i don't know what i am. it's all i've been thinking about since the start of winter break. i keep shifting between giving into them and believing i'm just making them up or suffering from something else. time is receding, and i need to make a decision. i cannot continue living with these doubts forever. i told myself i would make a choice by may 2023, but that passed and the thoughts are still here. it feels like there's an internal war between two different selves within me.
december 23, 2023: my family keeps pestering me to cut my hair. now as much i would like to, i despite short hair, even if dealing with longer hair is a pain. i can't think of a single time in my life i've been happy with a haircut. they always go too short, and i end up feeling like a fish out of water. i've also told myself i'd grow it out multiple times, and this is the longest it's been. now this is a bit anecdotal, but i feel like i've had more people call me "sir" at work now than with shorter hair. i wonder why that's so? on another note, i'm not a religious person by any means, but i am a sucker for the architecture. this pic ended up being my favorite from my second roll, although i thought it was gonna be a bad photo when i took it because of the angle. i like the detail of the bricks and the color of the sky.
december 20, 2023: woke up at 4am and now I can't go back to sleep. anyways i hate being an indecisive person because i saw a picture of a canon film camera with my favorite singer and now i want it. but i really don't need two cameras and i like the minolta i got. hard to believe it's almost christmas though! i am not in the holiday mood at all with the lack of snow here. i think i'm at that point in my life where i unironically want socks as a gift.
december 16, 2023: looks like it's gonna be a cloudy weekend. shame, i wanted to go out and take some pictures. i really like the colors that are produced with film cameras. the sky looks more washed out on film. i honestly think digital photography in general feels too lifelike with how good cameras have gotten. i'm also a very indecisive person so i enjoy being limited to 36 photos per roll. i usually take many shots of one scene on digital, but that would be a waste of film. anyways, here's another picture from my first roll.
december 16, 2023: 1am seems like a good time to write another entry. something i've been thinking about recently is gender pronouns. i never gave much thought to them a few years back. i've never had to specify pronouns irl or on the internet, since others picked them based on their perception of me. when i was doing my uni application earlier this year, i guess something was different. i felt like i had trouble picking one set of pronouns. i don't know, but i'm trying to figure out why. i think it might be because i've just gone with whatever others see me as. i've just accepted how others label me. maybe that's causing a disconnect within me. who knows?
december 15, 2023: last week of community college! high school me would be proud considering i've gotten all As and a perfect 4.0 gpa. excited to start university in january, even if it feels a bit overdue. i think i'm set on what i want to pursue major wise (english)
december 15, 2023: got bored and decided to make a blog for random stuff! i recently got into film photography and just got my first roll developed. my fave pic out of the 36 was this one of a boat
